Really opening up…and showing my dorky/young/confused self

May 12th, 2012

Plane ride home for the summer

So many things have changed in the last year of my life…not to mention the last three years. Things are getting so much better. But I can’t stop. And the struggles will never end. But the challenge is good. I just need to never stop striving for the best. Never stop doing my best. And never stop recognizing when I am not doing my best.

As of right now…yeah, I have come so far…but I can go so much further. And where I am, is, to me, way below where I should or could be. Opportunities are always there…but as I read last year- “Every opportunity has a shelf life”, and that is why there is no better time than now to step it up and really start facing my fears hard. No more letting life pass me by…my goals this summer are going to be met. ..because if they are…they will significantly and positively affect the following year of my life.

My goals this summer:

  • Drink a lot of water all day!
  • CrossFit 3x a week
  • Physical therapy as often as possible
  • Stretching my ankles every morning and night
  • Shooting and playing BBall every chance I get
  • Work hard on getting a new basketball wheelchair
  • Be the best friend, daughter, sister, aunt, granddaughter, and niece that I can be
  • Volunteer my time to helping others ever chance I get
  • Make things right where they are wrong
  • Get new leg braces made and fitted and adjusted until they are perfect. WALK!
  • Write one million thank you cards
  • Make scrapbook
  • WRITE
  • Ride my dirt-bike
  • Teach Keela to go for walks next to my wheelchair
  • Eat healthy
  • Get clear skin
  • Keep my focus
  • Focus on what I need and want
  • Don’t allow myself to be distracted
  • Listen to myself
  • Know who I am and what I believe, what I want and what I stand for
  • Live in the moment

What do I want?

  • To walk
  • To be the best I can be at basketball
  • To be 100% fit
  • To live with no regrets
  • To have clear skin
  • To do something special in memory of Whitney and Jordan and Grandpa and Tony and Josh
  • I want to know who I am

 

So what has changed in the last year?

I’m pretty sure everything! I am going back home for the summer an entirely new me…at least a me that is not living in a heavy, sad, scary fog…things are clear and I can finally see what is going on.

I know I have the strength to do it.

 

I am finally mentally there and I am ready to now work on the physical part of walking again.

No more scary “I don’t even want to be alive” setbacks.

I am alive…and I want to be alive…I want to be as alive as I can be. And that means not holding back anymore. Every second I am going to be thinking about what I can do to be closer to my goals. Should I drink a glass of water? Should I stretch? Take my dog for a walk? Call my grandma? I should always be working on the things that I want. I should always be moving towards my goals…

 

I am done not being the person that I am inside. I am Megan…I am fun and caring and I want to help others and be happy. And I know I can make a difference….and I am going to make a difference. I am going to make things happen.

 

I don’t need to be worried about what other people are thinking about me. I am me…I am not perfect…but I know I am a good person and you can take it or leave it… I will not judge you either way.

 

I am good at forgiving and I am good at looking past those facades that people put up. I understand experiences…the sad/bad/scary experiences that have made you act in the way that you are. We are all just trying to survive and we are all just doing it in the only way we know how. We all want to be accepted and we all want to be loved.

 

We are all lost and trying to find our way.

There have been so many times in my life where I wished it were the end. I wished that I could just be done. I was tired of constantly fighting what seemed to be a never ending battle. I couldn’t see it ever getting any better and yet I wanted it to so desperately. I didn’t think I was going to make it out. It was dark, it was scary and it was painful. I felt completely alone. No one was in my head…no one knew the torture I was going through. And how could they? They are not me and they have not lived the things that I have. They have not see the messed up things that I have seen.

 

But I still thought…how can they not see these horribly messed up things going on all around them? And even more so…how do they not care about the horrible things they are doing to other people? How does that not seem to bother them?

 

But the thing is…these things do bother them…which is why, in their efforts to survive…they have made the effort to block out those feelings and thoughts from their conscience.

 

I cannot just write them out of my life because of the things they are doing…because if I do…I will only be doing the same things they are doing and it will be a never ending cycle.

But not all people are like this. You have to have the strength to believe and trust that not all people will hurt you.

I am going to keep focusing on working on myself. On making myself a better person and I am not going to worry so much about other people judging me because I will judge myself.

These things we think are such a big deal…are really so minor…and yet we allow them to keep us from being ourselves. We allow them to control us and to keep us from happiness. And this…I don’t understand. Why do we allow these things to happen? Why are we putting so much pressure on each other? Why are we all creating this monster that we call “society” and raising it…and helping it to grow big and strong…only so that it can destroy us all? Why would we want this? No one even fits this image of perfection that this monster will accept and leave alone.

 

I have decided that anytime I start to think about Joey and then start to think that I am not good enough for him…I am going to write in my journal and keep myself focused on what I need to do in my own life…and once again…not worry about if I am good enough for someone else and only if I am good enough for myself.

This world is so big and there is too much of it to experience to get caught up on one person that may or may not like me. Because when I do that…I miss out on so much. And if it worst comes to worst and he doesn’t want me in his life…there are still so many people that do. Only one person can make or break me…and that person is MWA 😉

I need to stop comparing myself to other people because I am not them…I am me. My name is Megan, I use a wheelchair to get around, I also ride an electric scooter and I waddle 😉 I don’t have a butt anymore and my legs are kinda paralyzed and skinny like sticks, I am funny, I am fun, I am outgoing, and I care about other people.

 

He told me that he cares about me…why am I so convinced that he doesn’t? Is this one of those times I am supposed to listen to my gut? Because what if right now my gut tells me that no guy is ever going to actually care about me?

Was I really nothing to him? Did he really do all of that just for that one thing? I guess only time will tell.

But why do I feel so shitty right now? Like all of that really meant nothing? How can I even think that way with him? He is either this absolutely amazing guy…or he is just one big trick. Am I just reading into it that way? But why did I feel so pressured to do things I wasn’t ready for, all the time? And why did I do them? Maybe it is for the best that I am going home for the summer.

 

I don’t want to become someone that I am not.

 

I don’t want to lose myself again.

 

I just need to take it as it is. If he still shows interest throughout these three months then I will know…if not…that’s perfectly fine. That doesn’t change who I am and I am going to keep living my life. I am going to be me and meet awesome people and be an awesome person. I need to just stop wasting my time worrying about things that I know nothing about. I will know when I know. Or maybe I will never know.

I am a strong person and I am pretty sure I can handle it when it happens…whatever it may be.

If he is a great guy…I still need to be a great person as well.

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