Then and Now

Then and Now

I wrote this four years ago and wanted to share it but was scared of what others would think. I didn’t want/need others to get the wrong idea and to be worried about me. I always tried my best to appear strong and together but at the same time I felt like I was going crazy. I didn’t know if I could handle everything that I was going through. I wanted to post things throughout my accident so that others could better understand my healing process because I thought that maybe I could help them in some way, but I had a hard time posting my hard times because I was scared that I might not get through them and then just end up living as the sad girl that everyone knows about.

The reason I am sharing it now is because I always post things and tell everyone how much they mean to me and how much all of their love and support has helped me through all of those hard times…

So now that I am in a way better place and don’t have to worry about others worrying about me…I wanted to share this so that you can see how sad and lonely I once felt…because there is no way at all that I could be as happy as I am today without your love and support. And I hope that you all know that. 

==================

==========================

===================================

 

6-15-2009 8:27 PM

Sadness

June-15-2009

I want everything…and nothing at the same time.

I have never felt as alone as I do right now…and I did yesterday…and the day before…

It’s almost as if I am unable to care about anything anymore. I am the same in every way, every moment. Monotonously getting by.

I go do things…I try to do what I think I would want to do if I cared. Yet I do not care. Yet I do things. I laugh and I smile and I joke…but I am not happy. I am sad.

I am alone…because I am the only one that truly knows how sad I really am. Others may think they understand…but they know only what they can know.

They have no idea. They have no idea how it feels. They have no idea what I feel…They have no idea what I see.

I see pain. I see heartbreak. I see sadness.

My world can get very dark at times.

And when it is dark…everything is dark…my memories are dark. I begin to wonder if I was ever happy.

I wonder if when I was laughing just earlier that day…If I really wanted to laugh…or if I was just doing it…because that is what you are supposed to do.

I have a planner. I have had it for a year. I planned on planning things…I planned on taking charge of my life. I planned on not being such a flake anymore. I planned on keeping my promises to people…I planned on keeping promises to myself…yet the plan to use it only began a month ago.

I planned all these doctors appointments, physical therapy appointments, school appointments, natural therapy appointments…I got excited…I felt pumped up for those few days of excitement. I felt excited…I felt strong…good, motivated and beautiful…then… it all came crashing down. With one nap…one tired day…The darkness came over me. And consumed me for two and a half days.  But hey…it’s getting better.

It may seem like I am sad all the time…but I fight it…I really fight it. It’s a fight you cannot see. You can only feel. This darkness is like a very powerful force constantly trying to push into me and trying to knock me down. It slowly seeps over me, sucking the strength right out of me. The mind is such a powerful and mysterious thing.

————————————————————————————————————————————————-

Like

Like

Love

Haha

Wow

Sad

Angry

Comment

13 Comments
Comments
Kim Bobber
Kim Bobber You are a very courageous person that so many admire. How wonderful of you to share your personal thoughts and moments of complete terror and sadness. In every way you continue to amaze all of us lucky enough to call you our friend.
Stacy Dutton
Stacy Dutton Miss Meg, Thank you for sharing. I have always held you in my heart. xoxo
Terri Ricketts Wofford
Terri Ricketts Wofford You are one of the strongest people I know. Its so sad you doubted yourself, when clearly no one else did! Love you Girl!f
Ricky Rice Jr.
Ricky Rice Jr. I don’t know you very well Megan, but I am definitely proud to know you! You are the definition of inspiration! I can’t even begin to imagine what you have been through or what it took to get where you have come, but you have done it with such grace, never letting it stop you. We all have challenges, where we sometimes feel like giving up, and it seems all we can do is go through the motions. But when we overcome those challenges, and come out the other side, we are the beauty that is you! You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your journey! 🙂
Megan Blunk
Megan Blunk Thank you all so much!! It is nice to hear from you all 🙂 It means a lot! And thank you Ricky Rice Jr. that was really, really nice of you to say!
Ian Smith
Ian Smith You’re a strong woman.
Megan Blunk
Megan Blunk Love you too Chels! 🙂 And thank you Ian! It was really nice seeing you agin at the airport!!
Rick Ouhl
Rick Ouhl You have a very BRIGHT future with lots of close people to be there with you!
Deanne Matz
Deanne Matz Darling you were born a beautiful soul. Nothing and no one can take that from you. You have always cast a beautiful light on those lucky enough to know you. Keep Shining!!
Megan Blunk
Megan Blunk Thank you Deanne!! I was just thinking about you today and have been meaning to call you to see if I could come by and see you sometime 🙂
Megan Blunk
Write a comment…
 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s