Everything is a blessing in disguise. Everything. I know that can be hard to hear for some, and you may want to not even begin to think that way. It may even make you angry to hear someone say that. But if you think about it…is that really how you want to live? If you are angry because you lost a loved one and you would never want to think of their death as a blessing…do you really want their death to be in vain? You have to find something in it. You have to allow yourself to feel love. It is there…even if it is only a glimpse. You can take it and move with it. It will move you forward. It will move you to the next blessing…and the next one could be the blessing for finding the love in something that was so hard to face.
I find the love that I can carry to help others who are facing similar situations. I take Jordan’s death and I make sure to never judge, overlook or ignore anyone with a mental illness. I make sure to let them know I am love and they can find some form of refuge for those moments that our paths cross. I want to be that person that crosses someone’s path just when they need it the most; just as so many guardian angels of people have done for me. I love Whitney so much…she was nothing but love. And she still is love. And when I think of her, I think of love and light and happiness. Because that is what she is. She was not her struggles, she was not her depression. And I know that she is happy that I find love and comfort in her. I know that she is happy that I let her guide me to help others who otherwise may not get the help that they need.
Yes, I miss them and I wish I could see them again, in person. But obviously I can’t…and I can’t live in that pain. I choose to take the pain, when I am ready, and turn it into something good.
I know…things may happen in my life someday that cause me to feel like I can never recover…and if that is the case…then I will be living in pain until I can forgive and find love, or until I die.
……..I thought of all of this on my way back from the kitchen…I pushed past my grandparents room and I thought about how sweet they are. I thought about how thankful I am to have them in my life. And then I thought about the circumstances that got me to be living with them…and I think about what a blessing it was when my “extremely nice and caring and thoughtful” apartment manager did everything she could to kick us out of the apartment…when she called the cops ON ME and told them that she didn’t feel safe and that I threatened her and her baby. (i’m sure you can imagine the cops surprise when I was the one who opened the door). When really all I had done was go to her office and ask her why she was treating us the way that she was. …And I told her that she was never going to be happy if she kept treating people that way. (I wouldn’t call that a threat though, it was more like a free counseling session)
But anyways…it was because of that ugly situation that I am now living with my grandparents and have gotten to know them on such a deeper level than I ever would have before. I found a little bit of love in a nasty situation…so I did my job 😉 haha