All of my crying videos ;)

Let’s talk about depression…completely raw and uncensored

I want to talk about depression for two reasons…one, because it’s not always what it appears to be…and I LOVVVVE to remind people that as happy as I can be and as many things as I do all of the time…I still fight it every single day.

And two, because I am going through EVERYTHING that I own as I pack for my big move to California and I want to start fresh once I get there and that means completing as many things now as I can and at the bottom of this post I have finally added all of my videos I took while I was going through one of my thousands of hard times. There are a lot of videos and I don’t expect anyone to watch all of them or any at all. But I just wanted to put them out there and feel good about finally doing that.

As I have said before, I know that people see things on my Facebook/Instagram and it can be easy to create the illusion that I am just all happy go lucky, and always positive and strong. …even when my posts talk about the fact that I fight depression every single day… and even if a post is about a hard time I was going through at that exact moment in time…it doesn’t matter…people still, more often than not, look at the pictures and come up with their own ideas about how others lives are and start comparing themselves. But behind every image that you see, there is so much more that goes on.  No one has a perfect life and no one goes without some form of suffering. Some struggle more than others, but we all have our hard times and all hard times come and go.

I have learned a lot these past two years.

Everyday is still a struggle for me. Some days harder than others…some days so good it is unreal…but everyday, I feel the depression pulling at me.

It has never gone away. There were times when I thought it might one day and there were times that I thought maybe it did…

And what is funny is that the times when I thought my depression might really be gone, I was scared. I didn’t know who I would be without it. I was scared that life would be too easy. I know that sounds so strange. But when you have lived with a fight like that every single day for as long as you can remember…life without it seems plain. I was scared that if I were no longer depressed I wouldn’t be able to write so deeply… I was scared that I would forget what feeling like that felt like. With depression, as hard and painful as it can be, I see and feel things on such a deeper level…and I am glad that I do. I just wish I could do a better job at separating myself from some of the things I see and feel happening around me. But this struggle is what I know. It has never been easy. Getting out of bed can sometimes be the hardest thing.

If I stay busy, productive and moving forward, I am okay, i’m good and sometimes better than I ever expected to be.

But on the days where I don’t have something that I HAVE to wakeup for…getting out of bed can be so hard. I actually wakeup early on my own and I will be wide awake…but more often than not, I tell myself to go back to sleep, and when I wakeup the second time I feel a little shittier about myself…and slowly but surely the depression keeps seeping over me. I make myself go back to sleep to escape…only to wake up again. And every time I wake up I think about how sad I am that I have no desire to get out of bed. I think about how I wish I knew what it felt like to wake up and want to get up just because that’s what you do when you wakeup. I think about how hard life feels…about how much work it takes just to be alive. I think about how I need to eat….but I don’t have the energy nor do I care to make food for myself…and so I don’t eat…and, of course, I lose even more energy as the day goes on and I care less and less every second beginning from that rough start of a morning. I always try to eventually make myself get out of the house and then I spend the rest of the day just trying to fight through that fog of dread…of sadness and pain that is so incredibly hard to describe…but it’s real. It takes time for that dark cloud to pass. And although I can’t just make it go away by the snap of a finger…and it doesn’t even necessarily go away that day…it more often than not takes two to three days before I feel like I have made it through and feel clear headed again (it used to take a week or more)…but what I can do is force myself to get up and start doing things…even if I couldn’t care less to do them in a state of depression, I know that if I were able to be me…I would do them on my own…and so I do them.

And when the depression really has me down for the count…after I spend enough time wallowing in it and I finally get the strength to fight back again…I take a shower and I rinse the slime of depression off of me and I start putting myself back together.

But all of this struggle is what drives the intense passion that I have to help others and to make a positive difference in this world.

I have learned these past two years that my depression is at its worst when I am holding myself back. There are so many things I want to do in this world and when I feel like I am stuck in a rut because of the obstacles that get in my way…everything takes over me and I go to a state of mind where I begin to doubt everything about myself; who I am, what i’m doing, what I want, why I want it…it begins to eat me alive. But I always find my way out of it. I know I am more than what the depression wants me to be and I will never let it overtake me. I just won’t.

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