It has really been far too long since I wrote a new blog post. So much has happened, so many thoughts in my mind and conversations I have had with myself as I work my way through this thing called life.
And, of course, I always want to share them with you. Why? I don’t know.
Sometimes I really do wish that I didn’t care to share so much. I wish I didn’t feel like my purpose in this world is to do something that most people are scared to do…to share my vulnerabilities and to show others that it is okay to hurt, to feel weak and scared and insecure about so many things.
But I do feel like this is my purpose. I feel like my purpose is to make a change.
And I feel strongly about this.
I feel strongly about the idea that everything happens for a reason. You could not change my mind about that. I believe it with my whole heart, mind and soul. Why? Because it is the only thing that makes any of the things I have been through make sense.
And I believe that I suffer so immensely from depression…so that I have to fight back harder and am able to make a bigger difference in this world.
so update number one: dating (the other updates are coming…the blogs are already written but since I have been having some technical difficulties these past few weeks…I am going to post them one by one 😛
Will I ever find someone who can love me the way I need to be loved? ohh yes, we are getting deep.
To love me and hold me and comfort me when I need to be comforted. Someone who won’t take one look at me, or who won’t meet me during one of my darkest hours and right away dismiss me because to them I am too much to handle.
I try hard to believe that I can and will meet someone who is genuinely good and caring and open minded to the many experiences this life has to offer. And someone who, at this point in my life I desire more than anything, actually communicates. Whether they are or are not interested, whether they are, whether they don’t know, I desire someone who says it how it is. Someone who is not afraid to tell me that they are still missing their ex or they have a crush on this girl they just met but that they also think they have feelings for me. Or that they just don’t have feelings for me but do want to be my friend. Or don’t even care to be my friend because they really don’t have time for more friends in their life right now. It honestly doesn’t matter as long as it is their truth.
Because dating sucks. Dating is way too much second guessing of your self-worth. And I really don’t do well with that stuff. Silence hurts me. But honesty I can handle.
I am not the kind of person to simply let things fade out…I don’t like to leave things hanging in the air. I will just end them. I know I might need to try something different, because, as my roommate and I were talking about the other night, what we have always done has not exactly found us the right person. And dating is a place for you to really put yourself out there and try new things, try being braver, try being more vulnerable, try being 100% open and honest, try being reserved…try whatever you want to try…and hopefully the right person would see through all of your tries and simply want YOU for all of the weird ways that you are and weird things that you try. Just be you. No matter who that you is at the moment, because we are never the same person for long. We are ever changing, ever learning and ever growing. But being you means being the person you want to be at that very moment. Doing exactly what the you at that moment wants to do. That you, those desires, wants and needs…those are the real you.
It’s funny. I just recently told a guy whome I was “kind of talking to” that I didn’t really want to talk to him anymore. We barely talked as it was and only hungout a couple of times a few months ago when we first met. But it was the kind of relationship with someone where you constantly either want more or you want nothing and, in all honesty, you don’t even know if you really want more but you can’t figure it out because they don’t really communicate enough for you to figure it out. And it drives you crazy. He never asked me about myself, my life, my family…and it really did not make me feel wanted or desired at all. Yet, at the same time, he was “interested” in me. And I clung onto the idea of that because I was lonely/bored and even if it wasn’t what I wanted…it was more than I had.
But there comes a point when you just have to know what is and is not good for you in your life and you have to make the decisions that are healthiest for you at the time.
I am sure he never even thought twice about the way he did or didn’t communicate with me. He probably didn’t have much of an idea at all about the ways in which it was affecting me. Even if the person is not what you are looking for…you can get yourself into this unhealthy state of mind where you start wondering why you aren’t “enough”. Why they don’t want you, etc, etc.
But the reality is that just like there are people that aren’t right for you, there are also people you are not right for. And either way…this means you are both not right for each other 😛 So don’t obsess about one person or experience and turn it into something it is not. But do let it go and move on. Because, although I don’t know for sure yet, I am pretty certain that when it is right it will just be right. It will feel right. It will feel good and you will feel wanted, loved, desired and everything good that goes with finding the right person.
Yes, there will be hard times together. But you will love each other through those hard times. You will love each other even when that right person is annoying the hell out of you or completely pissing you off. Because your love is stronger than anything that could ever try to tear you apart.
But like I said, i’m no expert.
But I do love asking anyone and everyone how old they were (because that, for a time, was a worry of mine) and how they met the love of their life 🙂 And all of their stories make me so happy ❤ I love the funny/romantic/love at first sight/not so much love at first sight love stories they tell me. I love them all. Some people knew right away when they met the right person. Some people didn’t know for a year or longer. Some people were together, broke up and got back together 20 years later after both of them married and divorced other people.
The bottom line is that anything is possible and it is all about timing, loving yourself and where you are in your own life and never giving up on what you want. Never settle for less than what you deserve.
But back to what I was talking about because that is not the funny part.
The funny part of this all…is that just the other day this guy I met about a month ago texted me and told me that “since I suck at responding and it is obvious i’m not interested in actually hanging out with him or even just talking that he is going to just delete my number from his phone.” -that’s not funny, that is sad. But what is funny about that is the fact that I just felt the same way about the guy I was talking to…and yet I was doing the same thing to this other guy.
I was never interested in more than a friendship with this other guy and maybe even a workout buddy. But things got so busy in my life with moving and other prior commitments I had…plus my lows of depression. And I really did suck at responding to him (as I do suck at responding to people more often than not. Phones can actually give me anxiety…especially when life is already overwhelming me as it is) But the way I sucked at communicating with him was affecting him in ways I did not take into consideration. And I felt bad as I thought about the fact that I was literally just talking to my roommate about the other guy who was making me feel that exact same way. So I responded to him, honestly, and to the point. I just said that I really am sorry if I have made you feel this way, I have had a lot going on and I am not trying to make excuses but maybe it is best if we just let this go because I don’t want to make you feel this way again. yuppp. (I may have said a bit more than that to make it sound a little less harsh, but the truth was that at the times he was texting me, I was going through a lot and I really couldn’t handle any more than I already was. And his texts came at me as intense and upset and harsh in their own ways. And honestly, I just didn’t have time for that, couldn’t and didn’t want to handle it and ignored them. He got upset a few times before telling me off (just as I got upset a few times with the other guy…and have gotten upset with other guys in the past as well).
But my point there is that we all do these things: the same things that hurt us so much when someone else does them to us. We just have to remember that and try and keep ourselves in check. Learn, grow and make things better. When the timing is right, when I have grown and healed in the ways that I clearly need to heal…I am sure I will reach out to both of them and all will be well…just like it has been with my “now good” guy friends from the past 🙂
I try to be stronger. I try to not let things affect me so deeply, but it is hard. I have been told I am an empath. And that makes 100% sense. Feeling so much of the things and people that are all around me can be a lot to handle. It can take me down at times. I have to find ways to not let it affect me the way that it sometimes (more often than not) does. I have to find ways to remind myself that what other people are doing, feeling or going through have nothing to do with me or who I am. But that is easier said than done. But it is all a learning process.