Insecurity can be a really funny thing. It can trick your mind and take you down before you even know what is happening. I had a good talk with my teammate tonight, where I asked him if the fact that, both yesterday and today, I struggled bad to get out of bed was because of my depression or if it was normal. I wasn’t lying when I said I have been doing really good lately-I have been. But I have still been struggling to get out of bed (& it’s not because I am tired, it’s because, for that small amount of time after Waking up...I struggle to find the strength/desire/care for life-& that is something I used to struggle with all day long, but now it’s so fleeting that I know once I get up I will get through it & I always get up. Whereas, before taking this medication, getting up was sometimes (often) impossible. But at times, I still have to be reminded what “normal brains” are like and that I’m not crazy, that my insecurities don’t show like crazy, aaaaand that I wasn’t the only one not having a good game today 😏 because I know my brain will trick me into thinking all of these negative lies about myself. And this conversation with my teammate tonight only reminded me why I feel so passionate about sharing as much about my life & what I actually go through. I do it to remind people that they are not crazy & that they are far from alone in the ways that they feel. Sooooo I didn’t have a great game tonight-not every game is going to be my best, & not everyday is going to be easy, but no matter how hard it may feel, I’m going to keep showing up, facing any & all insecurities & obstacles In my way & I am going to keep reminding myself that things really can get better ❤️❤️❤️ (I know that this writing is all over the place-sorry for that :p but at least I got it out & actually posted it 🤗) I want to share more. I want to be more real for those who are following me and needing that in their life. That’s why I am on here-if I have a platform-that’s what I want to use it for-to help. #life #depression #insecurities #strength #faith #nevergiveup #italwaysgetsbetter 📸: @chase_life_photography
Thissss is me on Valentine’s Day🤗 ya know...29, single, at the airport...just a workin on myself ☺️☺️👊🏼 🤗. I am on my way to a meet my team @wolfpacksd in Dallas for a wheelchair basketball tournament ❤️ 😏 & I thought I should make a Valentine’s Day post... so....this is the picture I thought best describes my 2019 Valentines Day ❤️ Because this is where I am in my life right now. Traveling, training-sleeping on gym floors and airport terminals-& truly just working on myself every single day. And, at 29, I FINALLY feel like I know who I am, I am figuring life out, & I actually trust & believe that everything is going to be okay ❤️ & as much as I joke about it, I really don’t mind being single during this chapter of my life because I am enough work as it is ☺️ (A little backstory of the picture & an update of my depression-the only side affect of the antidepressant, Zoloft, that I am on is that I haven’t been able to sleep at night, but I am doing so well that I really don’t mind. I did just recently switch to taking them at night and the insomnia does seem to be getting better (despite the fact that I am posting this at 3am 😏. But I know it is all a process and I just have to keep trying different things to figure it out. The good news is that I am figuring it out & things are getting better. And until just recently, I always had a hard time believing that I could ever get better.) But here I am, feeling stronger everyday☺️and this is me, on Valentine’s Day, trying to make @steveserio11 bet me $20 I can’t fall asleep in 5 minutes while waiting to board the plane-he didn’t care to play :p but he did take the picture ☺️📸: @steveserio11 🤗 & since I can’t write even longer blogs than this on here like I want to...here is a blog I wrote for @quickiewheels for Valentine’s Day about dating...just in case you care to read more ❤️ ☺️😙😙😙 ☺️: http://www.livequickie.com/livequickie/live-quickie/blog/february-2019/double-blind-secret-date
My speech update-finally ☺️☺️ Meet my new friend, Sebastian ❤️ (and yes, I have permission to share these pictures and videos :) Sebastian is ten years old, a twin, and has dwarfism. When I was asked to do this speech for an elementary school assembly...I had no idea that a dream of mine was about to come true. I have always had this vision where I would go into schools to do speeches- telling my story about overcoming disability & striving to be my best no matter how hard things can feel. I also wanted to meet that one kid in the entire school with a disability, ask them if it would be okay for me to share a bit about their disability, who they are & what they like to do- my hope would be to help educate & change perspectives of as many kids as I can In one sitting so that for the rest of the school year, that student no longer has to continually explain their disability to other kids, will hopefully not deal with as many stares & will be more included in activities ❤️ Well, little did I know, Sebastian would be my first ❤️ And he happens to be one of the coolest, toughest, most athletic of kids I have met ❤️❤️ Thank you, Sebastian, for being the incredible person that you are-for being strong, brave, outgoing, kind, loving, encouraging, supportive-I could go on and on, but to sum it up...thank you for for being you and making the world a better place ❤️❤️💪🏼💪🏼 And thank you @cafoundation for helping both Sebastian and I to follow our dreams ❤️ (I did not go into explaining Sebastian’s disability in my speech as I honestly did not realize just how real this opportunity was and what was possible when I first learned about Sebastian ❤️ but I did my best and it will only get better ❤️ I’m so thankful for all of the opportunities like this that I have had in my life all because of an accident ten years ago that some thought would ruin the rest of my life ❤️ If only I knew then what I know now ❤️ but then again, where would be the fun in that ☺️ #peoplehelpingpeople #weareallinthistogether❤️ #caffoundation #faith -#strength #goodpeople
Confidence is a very new feeling for me. It’s something I don’t think I have ever known. Wheelchair basketball has so many purposes in my life & is a passion of mine for so many reasons. It gives me a place to continually face the person I am with the person I want to be and strive to be better. It gives me the opportunity to be a role model for people who need one❤️ it’s a place where you get to meet so many amazing people-either selflessly supporting adaptive athletes, or participating themselves ♿️🏀☺️💪🏼❤️ & more importantly, it’s a place where I can really be myself ❤️🤗☺️ it’s a pretty great thing 🤗. But having the confidence to put yourself out there on the court & face any insecurities that may arise, especially when you have battled depression your entire life, is a skill that I have been working on for a very long time and finally feel like I am getting closer to having❤️ My mom can vouch for me on this, growing up I really didn’t want people to come watch me play sports (& I played a lot of them so this was a constant stress of mine). I never thought I was good enough & I didn’t want to disappoint people or change their perspective of me if they initially thought I was some “strong, happy, confident girl” because I struggled to be that girl all the time & I thought that meant I was weak or something was wrong with me. I was scared of letting people down. I was embarrassed that I was so “sensitive”-as some would call it. But I wasn’t sensitive- I had depression...& it was only getting worse. This is why I say, the accident saved me-It woke me up & helped me see what really matters in life-to strive to be your very best; to yourself and to others. And so this time, I told everyone I met & everyone I already knew about our only home tournament of the year...annnnnd I played with confidence ☺️💪🏼🤗👊🏼 I surprised myself again ☺️☺️❤️♿️🏀💪🏼💪🏼 so thankful for all of the loving, supportive & genuinely good people I am lucky enough to have had and to have in my life ❤️❤️❤️ @wolfpacksd @cafoundation #wheelchairbasketball #basketball #nwba #faith #trust #depression #sci #confidence #thankful 📸: @dianself 🎥:a lot of awesome people
Excited for our home tournament this weekend, starting today ☺️♿️🏀 (I know I said I would update about my speech lol but I’m waiting to get approval to post videos of some of the kids). I also haven’t been posting a lot, again, lately. And yes, I know I don’t have to post if I don’t feel like it, but I do feel like it...I just also feel self-doubt at times & don’t know how and what to share when 100% honesty is all I ever want to do. Well, when so many things are going good In your life-you sometimes question why and when it’s going to stop being so good. I have been playing so well ever since tryouts, ever since getting on these antidepressants. I haven’t cried in THREE WEEKS!! & yes, I can still cry 🤗 It’s crazy. Life feels so much easier. But of course, with a big home tournament, and all the hype you have had, you question your own ability to live up to expectations. But in the end, everyone has good and bad games, everyone has good and bad days, and not everyone pushes through it all to keep going...but I do and that’s something to always feel good about. So here’s to another weekend of pushing myself and facing my fears and moving forward in my life towards the things I believe in and want ❤️💪🏼♿️🏀 Thankful for this team @wolfpacksd and all of the amazing people I have in my life ❤️ Good things come to those who don’t give up ❤️💪🏼💪🏼
I have truly never felt as happy as I did yesterday...& these past two weeks ❤️❤️ I know this is just the beginning, and I know hard times come & go in life...but I feel like I am really going to be okay ❤️ I feel like I can believe in myself...because I have been doing it. I have held it together & lived my life without my mind constantly fighting to not just give up. These last two weeks, I have accepted life at face value... & I have been okay with doing that. I can step back and understand that I know deeper, I feel deeper & I very much understand deeper, but I don’t have to always go there & I don’t need to have all the answers right now, if not ever. I’m living my life & finding my way by trusting the feeling I have within that this is just where I am supposed to be. This is my journey, we all have our own, & I’m going to be true to myself. This weekend...I, yet again, surprised myself & played better than I have ever played...because I played free. It scares me to think that this feeling might go away & that my mind might start to go to those dark & insecure places where depression is such a fight. I think I have been feeling what people without depression feel like & a big part of me wants to believe that it could be possible that the depression is gone. But the other part of me has been saying that I need to be okay with the fact that it might always be there. I don’t know the answer, but right now, the thing I do know is that I am happy. I feel good. I feel blessed. I feel loved. I feel Motivated & I feel incredibly thankful for the opportunities, experiences & amazing people I have had & continue to have in my life ❤️ 💪🏼❤️🙏 Hardships, struggles, pain, all of it...brings love, beauty and blessings ❤️ Thank you @ability360 & @per4max for putting on my favorite wheelchair basketball tournament yet ☺️☺️♿️🏀 & thank you @onebasketballorganization for putting on such a fun 3pt competition & for convincing me to do it ☺️❤️ thank you @dianself for all of the amazing pictures, always ❤️ & thank you @wolfpacksd for allowing me to be a part of this special team & for accepting me for me ❤️💪🏼♿️🏀 #life #faith #love #gratitude #depression #nevergiveup
Just soooooo ya know ☺️ the happiness train is still going strong ☺️☺️☺️💪🏼💪🏼❤️❤️ these antidepressants have truly helped me so much!! I have not spiraled down to that bad place in almost two weeks ❤️❤️❤️ and I have still played solid through all the games I have played since tryouts. I honestly feel like I had a breakthrough the day I made the decision to get on that plane for tryouts. That decision, mixed with the decision to start taking an antidepressant 9 days before, came together at just the right time. And this team, the @wolfpacksd-all of the guys on it & Ms. @Dian self & Junior ☺️, have been so supportive & motivating. They have pushed me to not only be a better player but to also live life a little more relaxed and just enjoy the moment. #thankful #happy #therapy #stretching #yoga #music #baths #relax #playhard #faith #strength #depression #fight (and of course, thank you for all of the love on my last post. It is scary to be that vulnerable and put it out there like that. But I feel drawn to do it and I don’t want to allow myself to be held back by fear. I have some really incredible people around me ❤️ and the more vulnerable I am...the more I see them❤️)
Hey guys...here is the most real post I ever posted 🤗 WARNING: 🛑 Do not swipe right if you don’t like sad stuff ☺️ I took this picture over Christmas break, on the same day but a few hours before taking these videos. This day hit me hard. I was only 3 days into being home. I thought I could run away from depression. I had plans...to train, to see friends & family, to workout, to surround myself with positive people & things in life. I was still fighting the idea that I could overcome depression on my own...without antidepressants. I was adamant that I would figure it out & not have to get back on them. I didn’t want to rely on something just to be okay, & I didn’t want the antidepressant to numb parts of my life that I didn’t even know existed. But honestly, not taking an antidepressant was a struggle I don’t know why I fought for so long. I’m on them now and, thankfully, they have dramatically helped me. I am no longer drowning in that scary place I was in. I am now in a place where I have more of a fair chance to not give up on the things that I believe in and a fair chance to believe in myself. I’m sharing these videos because I want to show people my truth. My life. The reality of what it has taken for me to get to where I am. And what it has taken for me to keep going. In all honesty, it’s the unconditional love and support that I have been given by so many incredible people all around me. I know, for a fact, that I could not have made it through all of those hard times had it not been for so many of you who lifted me up when I felt like I couldn’t do it on my own. I want to share my hard times to help others who feel like they are all alone. This is my way of telling you that I love you unconditionally no matter what you struggle with....just like so many people in my life have shown me. You are not crazy. You are just human...annnnnnd might be suffering from a mental illness 🤔☺️never give up. Life is a journey. ❤️ #keepgoing #itgetsbetter #depression #mentalillness
After such eventful and crazy past two weeks...it can be hard going home and waking up to yourself and a day you have to make on your own. Waking up to be reminded that I don’t have a 9-5. A day to remind me that these days are going to be here. Days where all you have is your to-do list and your own personal will. Days when you question if you are strong enough to handle it all. Days when you think you aren’t good enough. Days when you question who you even are. It’s crazy, I know. People would think, “how can you not see it?”, “how can you not see all of the things you have been able to do?!”. But it’s just the truth. I can’t always see them. I struggle to live in the here and now instead of future tripping like I tend to do. But you know what...I’m now ready to take on the day. I got through the fog and gained the strength and motivation I needed. Cleaning, unpacking, phone calls, appointments, training, writing, scheduling, emailing, grocery shopping, clearing out my head 💪🏼👊🏼❤️ Mental illness is never going to be easy. But it can be better. You just have to keep working on yourself and finding ways to live in and appreciate the here and now ❤️ in all of its crazy here and now ways. ❤️
Man it has been a crazy ride ☺️♿️🏀💪🏼❤️✈️ 😷🤧🤒 it felt good to be back with the Wolfpack at @lakeshorefoundation’s Pioneer Classic Wheelchair Basketball Tournament in Birmingham, Alabama this last weekend ☺️ I was still pretty sick on Friday but played both games...Saturday I stayed at the hotel, hoping I would get over this cold, and be good to play in the championship game on Sunday...but...I was not and I stayed at the hotel all of Saturday and Sunday feeling like CRAP 🤒🤧 :( our team came in second at the tournament, losing to the University of Missouri. Feeling a bit better today, slowly but surely. I’ll be back home for a few days before our team heads to another tournament in Phoenix 🏀♿️. I feel so thankful for these guys and the opportunities I have had in my life ❤️ Still moving forward. Still facing my fears and overcoming insecurities and obstacles 💪🏼❤️ Working On being my best self. Learning who I am. Learning to live my life the way I want to live it and be the person I want to be. ...(and yes...that is me getting stuffed in one of those pictures 😏) 📸: @dianself
Something I am learning more than ever, lately, is, I am me...& I can’t compare myself to anyone else. My best is my best. Their best is their best. We are all just human beings. Not one of us is perfect. And we are all more the same than we even know. I fee like sometimes my mind can be so far from reality that I become disconnected from what’s actually going on around me. I get the idea that everyone else is better than me. Not for any particular reason...just overall, they are better, stronger, have a brain that makes them stronger. I get the false idea that for some reason they don’t struggle the way that I do. They don’t second guess themselves every single day. They believe in themselves. I feel like I am less than. Less capable, less intelligent, less everything there is. I put everyone around me above me to the point that I think trying would be pointless because I could never be good enough. But those are all lies. Those are all chemical imbalances I have in my mind that I have to overcome. And everyone has something they are dealing with. And finding ways to overcome each and every challenge is what makes each and every one of us all that more capable of doing and understanding so many things that people who don’t go through our unique struggles will never understand and that’s what makes us special. That’s where we gain our own gifts, strengths and purpose in this life. If we all find love, faith and strength in the struggles we face in this world we can definitely make the world a better place. Not holding back from the person I know I am is what I strive to do the most. I will keep listening to that voice within that tells me I am on the right path and to keep moving forward. We are all stronger than we know. ❤️💪🏼☺️ #nevergiveup #neverstoppushing #depression #happiness #faith #strength #love #compassion #support #encouragement #lifesadoozy #lifecanbegood #lifeisgood #loveisgood
